dime_liora | Invisible Unicorns

Title: Invisible Unicorns
Author: dimeliora
Fandom: SPN RPF
Wordcount: 4,587
Rating: NC-17
Characters: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki
Pairing(s): J2
Prompt(s): This was written as a gift for my incredibly wonderful, thoughtful, kind, sadist friend

clex_monkie89. She was part of a panel at Confabcon that discussed the issue of Invisible Unicorns, and how little representation they get in media and fandom. I apologize to any asexual readers who find this a poor representation. I had to research more than I imagined just to reach this point. I love you Clex, and I hope this does you a little proud.
Summary: Jensen, the head engineer of a top tier haunted house, is really into his best friend. The problem? Jared's never seemed interested. And Jensen is about to find out why.

Jared is Jensen’s best friend.

Eight years ago Jensen was hired as the head engineer for a haunted house called Maniac Mansion. The owner, an old friend of his, had hired him because Jensen loved haunted houses and was handy. It worked out better than it ever should have. Five years ago as he was hanging from a rafter working on the wiring for a person sized bat he had named Batolomew a door opened to his left and there was an ungodly shriek.

His first time seeing Jared was the overly tall doofus hitting the dirt and flapping his hands about in terror.

They’ve been best friends ever since.

It took some time for Jensen to understand Jared even if they were already friends. After the first few months of working together Jensen had learned that Jared talked constantly, but that the majority of it was just idle chatter. It took a lot more than proximity to get some of the internal workings of Jared clear.

He was terrified of most of the haunted house, but he loved the adrenaline that came with that terror. During season when they worked from two in the afternoon to three in the morning Thursday through Sunday Jared would spend the first two nights working the ticket area or concessions and shrieking with the customers when the monsters came roaring through. For the second two nights of every weekend Jared would have enough courage to get in costume and play a victim.

The most convincing terrified victim in probably the entire industry.

He creates origami animals and has built an entire paper zoo in his house. He has dogs who often eat the zoo animals and Jared gets inordinately upset about it. He’s a morning person who loves to exercise and then eats garbage throughout the entire day to offset it.

Jensen knew all of these things within the first two years of meeting Jared. He understands how Jared gets attached to things, he understands how Jared fears change, he understands Jared’s emotional twists and turns and has been there for every up and down.

Jared’s biggest surprise, Jensen thought, was the fact that his bright and happy friend who always took care of and supported everyone in his life had a tendency to fall into dark depressions at times that were completely unpredictable. Jensen learned the hard way that when Jared took these down turns his positivity cranked up to a thousand percent. He was almost manic with how helpful and happy he was, and Jensen didn’t see the first crash until Jared ended up in the oncoming path of a falling animatronic and simply stood in contemplation instead of dodging the danger.

And as Jensen desperately grabbed Jared and pulled him close, he just knew why.

Best friends understand each other. Jensen knows that too. And while he understands all of these parts of Jared what he never understood, until now, was that Jared was still capable of hiding surprises.

Jensen has never had trouble with relationships. When he wants to date someone there always seems to be someone that fits his particular tastes which according to Jared are “hot and easy”. When he doesn’t want to date that works out just as well.

Maybe it’s because of how easy going he is, or maybe it’s because he’s a little self-absorbed. It’s hard to tell. Somehow though, Jensen missed the fact that his best friend has never been in a relationship that goes past two dates.

And now Jensen knows why.

Sometimes they hang out at night after working, hands covered in axel grease or dirt or fake blood. There’s a chill out lounge above the haunted house that’s set up for the actors. End of season they always have a party up here, and sometimes actors or maintenance people fall asleep on one of the couches.

In the off season this lounge belongs to the two of them. They commandeer the sectional couch, stretched out in front of an old big screen behemoth and slamming their way through one video game or another. Last night they were playing something with guns, Jensen’s mind half there and half buried in the light effect they’re working on, when Jared’s phone rang. And Jared hit the answer call button with his elbow without thinking about it and put it on speakerphone.

“Jared. I’m sorry. I was hoping I’d get your voicemail. Look, I just…can’t handle the no sex thing. I get that it seems natural to you but like. It’s not.”

His friend had stopped playing, the controller dangling from his fingertips and his face a bright red. Jensen froze, awkward, as their characters were shot to death on screen.

“Ok. Sorry to hear that.”

“If you ever change your mind maybe we can hook up ok?”

“Yeah. Sure. If I wake up tomorrow different I’ll call you.”

Jared hit the end call button with a weary, disheartened look. And then he looked back at the screen and avoided all eye contact with Jensen.

“So we gotta restart.”

He considered the statement carefully, turning it over and over in his head as he studied the grease caked into his knuckles and the little patch of clean skin where he’d burned his arm hair off.

“Yup.”

And they did.

Jensen googles it the next morning, sitting in his kitchen drinking his third cup of coffee and vaguely remembering what being human is. He’s not even sure what he’s looking for honestly, but he has a general idea.

Two years ago Jensen asked Jared out. He remembers it took a lot of courage, and Jared let him down very easy. Which was nice, albeit confusing. Jensen had tried back then to compartmentalize it so that he didn’t let it hang between them. Jared wanted to be friends. That was fine.

But now, Jensen wonders. The first set of results are basically advice on how to handle a partner that isn’t interested in you. Jensen tries again, his limited knowledge of the internet once again making him frustrated and sure that all of Google was out to get him.

He changes the search parameters to “someone that isn’t interested in sex.” The first hit makes him stop and look.

Asexual. Jensen reads article after article. Some are FAQs, some forums from confused people, and a few links to fanfiction which Jensen isn’t familiar with and decides to skip entirely. It doesn’t look helpful in this situation.

He spends the morning reading, and then he takes a shower and heads to Jared’s house.

The websites are kind of flexible on the causes of the thing, and the types, and Jensen has no idea how he’ll approach this. But he’s gotta try because Jared doesn’t hide many things from him and this is kind of a big thing. He needs to understand his best friend.

Jared answers after three knocks, wrapped in only a towel with his hair dripping in his eyes. Jensen feels that all too familiar surge of lust and tamps it down considering his purpose today.

“Jen? What’s up?”

Jared steps aside, and he moves in past his friend looking around for the inevitable dog ambush. It doesn’t take long. Jared slips off while Jensen is petting the dogs and then reappears dressed but barefoot. They look at each other for a long moment before Jared reads his mind.

“You didn’t finish the right amount of coffee.”

“No. I didn’t.”

“Well come on you big baby, let’s fill you full of caffeine.”

Jensen wanders behind Jared, eyes looking all over territory that is as familiar to him as his own home.

“I don’t think you’re allowed to give babies coffee. It can’t be good for them.”

Jared laughs, working his coffee machine as Jensen slumps into a chair at the table.

“Well luckily your growing has stopped.”

This earns Jared an ugly look he can’t see pointed directly at his back.

“So anyway, what are you up to today?”

Jared finishes pushing buttons, handling beeping, and then he turns around with a smile on his face.

“I was thinking that it might be nice to spend a day working on bettering the world.”

“You’re gonna play Gears of War.”

“I’m gonna play Gears of War.”

Jensen accepts the mug when it gets to him, the barest amount of sugar and no cream, and he sips once before moving to the living room without another word and sitting on the couch. Jared slides in directly next to him, shoulder to shoulder, and Jensen soaks in the warmth of his best friend.

Who he has had a crush on for forever. And who maybe said no to him because Jensen is a known slut.

He has to focus. He practiced the speech about a hundred times since this morning. He can do this.

They play a few matches. Just a few. But when Jensen looks up five hours have passed and they’re molded into each other on the couch with Jared’s stomach rumbling audibly.

“Pizza?”

Jared rubs his belly thoughtfully looking at the screen still.

“Hell yeah.”

The pizza arrives and Jensen decides that while they’re stuffing their face is the perfect time to attack this important issue. Except they keep playing, and next thing Jensen knows it’s 1 AM and Jared is chewing on his lip as they try for the fifth time to finish the match on insane mode.

And now it’s so late Jensen doesn’t even know what to do. On the one hand Jared is still super awake and keyed up, but on the other they have to get up in the morning and Jensen is not at his best right now. They’ve played so long he’s been forced to put his glasses on.

Tomorrow. He’ll ask tomorrow before work so Jared isn’t creeped out.

“Hey dude?”

Jensen turns and looks at Jared, who is now staring at him with big, gorgeous, stupid puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah?”

His heart swells in his chest. Maybe Jared knows. Maybe Jared knows that he knows and he’s finally ready to talk about everything and if maybe the only reason he said no was because he thought Jensen would be uninterested when he knew there was no sex all Jensen needs to do is clear that concern up.

“Are you gonna pick up your controller or leave me here being turned into Locust food?”

Jensen’s mouth opens, closes, opens again as he fails to take in air like a fish.

He picks up the controller. He helps Jared better the world.

It’s been three weeks. At first the right time never seemed to come up. Now Jensen just thinks it would be awkward.

Better left the way it is. He understands Jared anyway. He doesn’t need to know the details, and honestly it’s highly unlikely that Jared likes him and was concerned about the sex being a deal breaker.

Jensen is hanging upside down from the rafters working on the wiring for a juddering corpse when Jared appears with waters and two more bodies for the new execution scene. He nods his head toward the floor by his ladder and goes back to the delicate work of splicing wires together.

“So, I’m asexual.”

Jared catches the wrench at the very last second, right before it hits and shatters the delicate shale tiles that are stacked underneath where he hangs. He’s fucking glad it wasn’t him that fell.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I could see you wanted to ask.”

“Well-“

“And you were too much of a pussy.”

“Wow. Offensive.”

“Shut up.” Jared sits on the path, sliding the two corpses onto the ground and looking at the water in his hand. “Just shut up.”

And Jensen does. He pulls himself up so he can get back on his ladder and get even with Jared. He sits so that their knees are touching, because that’s how they sit. They live in each other’s space.

“So like. It’s not because of anything external. Like abuse or anything.”

“Well duh.”

Jared’s eyebrow arches all the way up to his hairline.

“Dude. I’ve met your parents and your big brother. If someone had hurt you they would be world renowned for killing a piece of shit in public and getting off.”

“Maybe don’t use getting off during this conversation.”

“If you ban all sex euphemisms that’s gonna severely hinder my ability to respond.”

A long silence meets that, and Jensen studies how amused Jared looks over a slightly pale complexion. His friend is nervous. That makes Jensen feel bad enough to not lobby any more sex stuff Jared’s way.

“It’s just the way I am. Every now and then I jerk off, and it feels fine, but it’s more of a chore than a thing to look forward to. I just don’t…find that aspect of things interesting. So it’s not a deep secret or some kind of tragic backstory and it’s nothing for you to look at me any differently because of.”

“Have you ever had sex?”

“Yeah. It was…fine. Messy.”

“But you didn’t like it?”

“It wasn’t the best. But the cuddling afterwards was great. He little spooned me, and you can imagine how hard that is.”

“So you’re into dudes in a cuddle and romance sort of way?”

Their knees are still pressed together, they’re still looking at each other.

“Yeah. I’m into guys. In both those ways.”

“Ok.”

Jensen gets up, squeezing Jared’s shoulder briefly before he climbs the ladder and slides back onto the rafter. He doesn’t look to see Jared because if he does his resolve will crumble.

And Jared deserves Jensen doing this right.

Thump, bump, Jared hoisting the corpse into a gallows noose.

“So when are we gonna go on that date?”

Jared’s cursing over the sound of the entire mini gallows coming down is well worth the wait.

They’re on a date.

Jared sits across from him, stuffing so much pulled pork into his face it’s possible that he’s not eaten for years. Which Jensen knows is not true because he saw Jared eat lunch.

“You make these vacuum noises when you’re sucking down pulled pork that are…almost terrifying.”

“Muhst puhpul truh tuh buh puhluht ohn a fust dught.”

“I don’t have to be polite because you’re a BBQ Hoover right now, not a date.”

He doesn’t feel bad that he understands what Jared was trying to say. Instead he reaches out and nabs Jared’s coleslaw, ignoring the sad noise his friend makes. His date makes.

“You wanna play Gears after this?”

Jared arches an eyebrow, and then swallows thickly and wipes his mouth.

“How about instead we take the couch together and watch Die Hard?”

A breath, a beat, and then Jensen reaches out and links fingers with Jared. It’s the first thing about this situation other than using the word date that has made this different from every other night they’ve spent together.

Jared squeezes his hand gently.

“That would be the greatest fucking thing ever.”

His date, his date, smiles big and bright. The kind of smile that Jensen loves seeing so much it makes his toes curl a little.

“I know.”

“Don’t you Han Solo me. I am Han Solo in this relationship. I’m Han and you’re Chewie.”

“Jensen.”

“We’ve had this argument I don’t even know how many times and I am not interested in having it again on our first date. If you can’t have the decency to be regular person sized you’re a Wookie. And your hair.”

“Jensen.”

“And on top of all of that-“

“Jensen!”

He realizes people are looking. He bites his lip and then starts eating Jared’s coleslaw again to be quiet.

“If I’m a Wookie you’re in an interspecies relationship now.”

His hand freezes, the fork partway to his lips, the devilish glint in Jared’s eyes matching the look he had when he Carrie’d Jensen on opening night a year ago when Jensen finally took his first break and sat down.

All that blood, and every one of the customers were so blown away Jensen couldn’t do anything.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

Jared squeezes his hand and then flags down the waiter to order cheesecake.

They’ve been dating for seven months.

It’s the best and worst thing that Jensen has ever done.

Best because he doesn’t have to check certain impulses anymore. When Jared is standing next to him and his stupid floppy hair falls into his eyes Jensen can reach over and tuck it back. When Jared is laughing Jensen can lean forward and press their foreheads together and absorb all that bright joy.

When they’re together, they are together.

Jensen has started, bit by bit, leaving stuff at Jared’s place which is nicer than Jensen’s and where they sleep most of the time anyway. They hold hands, constantly, as if they were teenagers in their first relationship and they needed everyone to know about it. Sometimes Jared leaves him little origami animals with notes on them. Jensen can’t make himself undo them to read if there’s more on the inside.

The entire haunted house is in love with the fact that they are finally together and in love. The entire staff has decided that this is the end of their courtship, and has been announcing since day one of the relationship that it’s time for the two of them to tie the knot and make honest men of each other.

And goddamn it, Jensen thinks that they’re maybe right.

The problem, and there’s always a problem with real life Jensen has learned over the years, is that he’s afraid to even ask what Jared’s limits are when it comes to sex. The internet is no goddamn help at all because everybody is different.

Jensen isn’t proud that his initial thought is it would be a lot easier if everybody could feel the same way about it.

So he knows that Jared doesn’t want sex. Never asks for it, never shows any interest, has a house devoid of toys or porn. But he has no idea if Jared is against sex. Does it gross him out? Does it upset him?

Jared is a giving person. He is a generous and kind person that cares for everyone and everything from the smallest creatures to the most ridiculous cartoon characters. Jared just cares. And Jensen is terrified that the smallest suggestion from him will result in Jared doing something he doesn’t want to do in the interest of making Jensen happy. And logically Jensen knows that Jared may be giving, but he’s also independent and strong willed.

There’s very little chance that Jared would do something to hurt himself just to get Jensen off.

And yet.

Jensen is afraid he might. And just that fear is enough to have Jensen spending one or two extra nights at home alone, furtively jerking off in his room like a kid hiding from his parents again as if using the living room with the big TV would be akin to jerking off onto Jared’s face.

When Jared spends the night at his house Jensen washes the sheets multiple times. He can see Jared’s amusement when his boyfriend flops into his bed and takes a deep whiff of the fresh fabric softener smell.

Jensen is fine with this. He really is. He’s learned very quickly that a sexless relationship is not a loveless one. Because every second they spend together is a second that Jensen is fully relaxed and comfortable. He can be himself, totally and utterly, and Jared loves every bit of him.

And then one night Jared reminds him that best friends understand each other.

They’re watching Empire of Dreams, a Star Wars documentary. Jensen has sunk so far into Jared’s couch that he may as well have melded with it, and Jared has been playing with his flannel pajama pants for the last twenty minutes as he stares raptly at the screen. Jensen is watching Jared more than the movie. The tight line of his jaw, the little muscle that ticks in his neck when he shifts it, the big hands moving restlessly over the flannel of their pants, pulling just a little unconsciously as he stares at the screen.

He licks his lips and turns back to the screen. If this was any previous relationship they would be fucking in the bedroom.

If it was any previous relationship they wouldn’t be talking again after.

Jensen gets so wrapped up in considering where they’re at and how to best move forward that he misses that Jared has gotten up. It’s only after those strong, rough fingers slip into his hair and start pressing against his scalp that Jensen knows Jared has moved. He’s not ashamed to say he jumps a little, despite his profession.

“You have a mouth that works.”

“You should know, you ignore it enough.”

Jared tilts his head back, keeping his fingers pressed against Jensen’s skull, and gives him an upside-down kiss that lingers gently and sweetly. Jensen licks his lips again, a smile spreading across his face that he can’t control.

It’s in that moment Jensen decides to propose. He doesn’t get a chance to ruin a future surprise and pop the question though because Jared tilts his face back down to look at the screen and then starts to gently massage his scalp. It’s incredible, fingers whirling in circles, pressing in all the right spots, gentle and then firm. Jensen sinks a little bit deeper into the couch as his whole-body releases along with the tension in his scalp.

“Jen?”

He tilts his head back just a little, pressing harder into his boyfriend’s fingers.

“Yeah Jay?”

“You should pull your dick out and jerk off while I do this.”

There’s no breath in his body, and all the blood Jared’s warmed up in his scalp goes rushing down into his cock. But he’s gotta ask.

“Jay, listen you-“

“It’s natural for me to not want to sex. It’s natural for you to want it. And you should talk to me about these things.” Jared’s fingers press a little extra firm, and then swoop down to rub the skin right above and behind Jensen’s ears. His toes curl in pleasure. “I’m an adult. I’ve been this way my whole life. I’m comfortable with who I am and I’m comfortable with you or I wouldn’t be dating you. So when you want something, or you need something, just tell me and stop being stupid. If I’m not ok with it I’ll tell you no and if there’s a way we can both enjoy it I’ll find it.”

Jensen’s breath is getting away from him. The warm, strong fingers, the rich tone of Jared’s voice against his ear, and the soft couch all combining to lull Jensen into some kind of strange, erotic comfort zone.

It’s the flannel pajamas of sex, the fucking perfect way to live.

“Aww sweetheart, that’s the most poetic thing you’ve ever said.”

He feels his mouth curl down even as he pulls his cock out of his pants and starts to stroke himself. Slow and building, just the way Jared’s scalp massage is going.

“A man can’t help what he’s saying when he’s being serviced.”

Jared laughs against his ear. Nips the lobe and then drapes his fingers over Jensen’s ears and starts twisting his hands in some kind of wizardry that loosens even more of Jensen’s muscles. He’s not sure which part makes his cock twitch and start to leak a little.

“Say serviced again and I’ll leave you alone to it. Least you could do is be romantic when I’m treating you so nice.”

Jensen shudders, twisting his fist around on his shaft and then squeezing the head of his dick.

“If I’d known your hands were this talented, I’d’ve made you the staff masseuse.”

“I don’t do this for just anybody you know. I’m not that kind of guy.”

He starts stroking faster, the intimacy of Jared’s voice in his ear, the warmth of Jared’s hands, the closeness a little overwhelming in a way that Jensen was unprepared for.

“Yeah. Yeah I got that.”

Jared kisses right below his ear, soft, tender.

“But I love you. And I want you to be happy. And it makes me happy that I can give you this.”

“Jay. Holy shit Jay keep rubbing my head.”

And he does, fingers swirling and tugging, pulling gently on his hair every now and then, all tangled up with him and rubbing every last section of tension out of his scalp even and his hips starts jerking in time with his hand and his stomach starts to tighten up with expectation.

“You know when you asked me out?”

He tries to nod his head but Jared has a hold on him and all he can do is moan as his hand speeds up stripping his cock.

“I was so sure this couldn’t work because I saw all those people going in and out of your life. So I said no. And then I saw your face, and I just. I wanted to so bad and I just couldn’t stand it if I told you what I’m like and you made that face again for a different reason.”

Jensen tries to shake his head this time, and he can’t, but he can reach up with his free hand and grab Jared’s bicep and squeeze it. Jared let’s out a laugh, husky and a little broken, the two of them opening up in completely different formats for each other in that moment.

It’s almost embarrassing for Jensen to admit this is the most intimate moment he’s ever shared with another human being.

“But I was already in love with you. I felt dorky about it. But I was. I fell in love with you the first time I watched you picking up a little kid that got too scared and using him to scare that jackass big brother of his. I couldn’t stop looking at you I loved you so much.”

Jensen comes, hard, his hips pushing up and his cock spraying over his stomach and shirt as Jared’s nails scrape his scalp and his voice pours into Jensen’s ear.

He’s breathing heavy, chest heaving a little, and Jared places another soft kiss to the crown of his head this time.

“Jen?”

His voice is shaky when he responds.

“Yeah, Jay?”

“Can you clean that up before you rewind the movie? It’s kinda gross.”

Jensen laughs breathlessly, tilting his head back to look at Jared’s big dopey smile.

Jared is screaming, really screaming, terror writ large over his features as the big monster runs through the door with Jared’s huge frame dangling over his shoulder. Jensen waits until the actor gets Jared into the middle of the room, strobe lights flashing, and then he hits the buttons so the lights come on steady and everyone in the mirror maze can read the message written on the glass in fake blood.

Both sets of their parents are there, made up so Jared wouldn’t instantly recognize them, along with their siblings. Jared spots his brother taking a mask off before he sees the message.

Jensen goes down on one knee, holding up the ring box, as their families shout loud in their best spooky monster voices, “Say yes!”

And Jared, tears in his eyes and his throat working hard, says, “Yes.”

It’s the loudest group of screamers their mirror maze has ever seen.