The Broken Heart is Blind Part 1

[dime_liora]

Two months ago if anyone had asked Jensen Ackles if he was happy he would have said yes. Unequivocally yes, and simply leaned back and smiled. He had a great job, he had a close knit group of friends, and he had what was, arguably, the best boyfriend on the planet. The kind of guy that could sit back and watch the Cowboys for the first half of the game, and spend the second half on his knees if the game was going badly. The kind of boyfriend that didn’t press, didn’t beg, and most importantly understood. Because Jensen knows he’s not the easiest person to get along with. But he had all of that, and he was happy.

Which is why it’s so goddamn frustrating that he’s sitting at the table now, beer clutched in one hand, and shitty rap blasting over the speakers while the man he’s supposed to be making sure stays safe and whole presses against said boyfriend, now ex, and whispers something in Jared’s ear that makes the dimples Jensen used to lick appear. Logically there’s no way for him to hear the laughter, but he does anyway, memory boosting the sound to full Dolby Surround.  He wants to fucking break something, but he doesn’t really have any options because this is his job right now, and he’ll be damned if the boss’s son gets hit on his watch. That would be the end of it for him, and as much as he hates watching this he’d hate a bullet in his skull just a tad bit more.

So he takes the ribbing Mike’s giving him with good natured cheer, and simply drinks his beer and scans the crowd for potential issues. The music changes, and while Kanye West sings about a heartless woman Jared’s eyes light on him for all of two seconds, the look unreadable and blank, and then his ex links his hand into Liam Pileggi’s hand and leads him out onto the dance floor. Mike shifts beside him and drops his beer onto the table.

“Goddamn it. Do they have to do this? Don’t they know how hard it is to watch a dance floor?”

Jensen could tell Mike that they didn’t have to. That Jared hates this music, hates dancing to it, and hates being in crowds. But how would he know? Jared also supposedly hated philanderers, and look at him now. That tight ass Jensen knows so well pressed against Liam’s crotch as Jared shifts and sways to the heavy-handed lyrical equivalent of their life. Do all these fucking songs have to do with cheating bitches?

“Just keep an eye on them. I’m gonna hit the head.” There’s a flash of sympathy in Mike’s face that Jensen wants to see less than the sight on the dance floor, and he ignores it so that he can head to the bathroom. He sizes up the guy at the urinal and considers starting a fight to blow off steam before discarding that thought and heading for a stall. It gives him time to take a few deep breaths, to get a hold on himself, and then he’s back out and washing his hands before heading for the table again. Mike has his coat, and Jensen is almost grateful that this latest endurance test is over. Except when Mike catches his eye and looks apologetic.

“I just got a call man. They’re headed back, and they want you outside the door. Stand watch. His regular bodyguard should be back in two hours.”

This, this bullshit, is not Jensen’s job. He is not supposed to be watching the boss’s kid fuck Jared, and he’s not a fucking babysitter. If Sterling hadn’t called in to say his wife was sick then Jensen would be out and about on his own tonight, or somewhere settling a score, just something, anything, other than this fucking torture.

Instead he drives the car back, listens to Jared’s breathy little sounds as the bastard sits on Liam’s lap, and thinks of the many different ways he used to bring those sounds out. The many ways he could make them turn into pain.

The ride takes forever, and then Jensen sets up shop outside of the hotel suite, holster concealed under his jacket and arms crossed over his chest. The hallway stays quiet, and the walls are blessedly thick here. Then Sterling shows up, and he’s almost gone, almost free, until Liam sticks his head out.

“Jackson?”

Jensen clenches his jaw and then turns, slow and easy. “Yes sir?”

“Jackson would you do me a favor and drive Jared home? He’s had a little too much to drink I’m afraid, and I have an early morning. Thanks.” And all Jensen can do is nod. He isn’t fucking required to smile though. It isn’t like Liam doesn’t know Jensen’s name, or the history between himself and Jared. After all, hadn’t Jensen practically set them up?

There is silence for a few minutes, Sterling shooting him the most piteous look of the night, and then Jared comes stumbling out. Part of Jensen quirks at it, eyes narrowing to take in the way Jared staggers in the circle of Liam’s arms, and how his eyes droop heavily. His lips are swollen, bitten red, and dark marks travel the length of his neck. He hadn’t seemed this drunk when they got in the car, but they’d probably kept up the partying beyond the doors of Liam’s suite.

He dutifully takes Jared from Liam’s hands, holding the taller man up as Liam kisses him once goodbye and then shuts the door with Sterling inside. That leaves Jensen standing in the plush hallway, his ex-boyfriend hanging off him looking like a drunken hooker. Oh the vet’s office Jared works for is going to love this look tomorrow.

“Come on. Let’s go.” He isn’t necessarily rough with Jared, but he does pull hard in the direction of the elevators. Jared stumbles along, hanging off his arm with his head pointed down and hair in his face. He reeks of booze, and that only fuels Jensen’s anger. Jared had never been much of a lush either.


---



When they’d met two years earlier it was at the little vet’s office that Jared had been working for since he graduated high school. Jensen had come in with an armful of yipping dog, fully aware how silly he looked and completely unconcerned. He’d once broken a man’s nose for making fun of Icarus, and with the mood he was in at that moment had anyone thought to crack a smile at him for carrying a lap dog in Jensen probably would have pulled his piece.

The receptionist, a tall and ridiculously gorgeous young man, had looked up from the papers in front of him to spot Jensen and his hyper-active bundle, and then he was moving up and around the desk with a clipboard in one hand and the other pushing long, shaggy bangs out of his eyes.

“What’s the-oh hello buddy! Hi!” Somehow Icarus managed to turn, spot the oncoming man, and then contrary to every one of the dog’s previous moments of bitchery he decided to jump from Jensen to the kid and go directly for those suddenly appearing dimples. All Jensen could do was watch as Icarus laved the angular cheekbones and licked over one well-placed mole and up to the tilted curve of the guy’s left eye.

“He’s-sorry that’s not-Icarus!” But the dog couldn’t care less what Jensen thought appropriate behavior was. Instead he appeared only concerned with tasting every inch of the receptionist’s face. The receptionist, for his part, seemed inordinately pleased with this outcome.

“I get this all the time. It’s no big deal.” Whatever the guy saw in Jensen’s face he immediately blushed and launched into what was one of the fastest rants Jensen had ever seen outside of an interrogation room. “No not like that-I mean dogs like me but getting my face licked isn’t really usual and I-that’s not like an activity for me because I’m just-I work here and there are a lot of animals so-Hi my name is Jared, and welcome to the Murray Animal Clinic. How may I help you?”

For a second, one very long and awkward second, all Jensen could do was stare. When he started laughing though, one hand clutching his stomach and the other going to his hair he saw the way Jared just smiled more broadly and nodded like he was used to that sort of reaction. It took a while for Jensen to get himself back in control, eyes tearing up and stomach muscles fluttering tightly.

“I’m Jensen. Ackles. I’m new to the area and this is my mutt Icarus. Who ate three quarters and a couple dimes this morning.”

Jared’s eyebrow darted up, and then he lifted Icarus a bit and stared into the little face. “Change buddy? Not too good. Let’s get you admitted, huh?” Jared talked to Icarus the whole time, marking off slots on a form before handing it to Jensen and continuing his steady conversation. By the time they actually got into one of the rooms Jensen knew Jared’s favorite food, red meat, his hometown, San Antonio, and his shoe size, intriguing. He also knew that the guy hit four out of five of his requirements for relationship material. Goddamn Spurs.

Despite all that when the vet was finally done, and Jared was the one that came back in with the X-Ray Jensen was a lot less interested and a lot more panicked. The dimples were back in full force, eyes bright and lit up from within as Jared waved the film like a conquering king and spoke directly to Jensen’s bewildered dog.

“You’re a consummate liar!” Jensen jerked backwards hard, elbow colliding with the table holding the instruments and sending them flying. Which was when Jared looked up like he’d forgotten Jensen was there at all. That changed entirely when he rushed forward and grabbed for Jensen’s arm, pulling it up and then pushing the sleeve upwards so he could investigate Jensen’s elbow. “Dude, you gotta watch yourself. That sort of clumsiness will get you hurt. I used to trip over stuff all the time when I was a kid. You know, limbs too long, and growth spurts. My awkward phase was roughly fifteen years long, but I got over it. Don’t worry you will too.” Jared stopped when Jensen held his hand up.

“Stop. Why did you call my dog a liar?”

Jared’s face lit up and he waved the X-Ray again.

“No change. He must have knocked it off your counter and you didn’t hear it clatter. Your little boy is gonna be just fine!” Jared’s grin faltered slightly. “We still have to charge you for the service though. Sorry ‘bout that, but it’s policy.”

All the weight lifted off of Jensen’s shoulders, and he slumped backwards against the wall and watched Icarus lick his leg as the little dog ignored the years he’d taken off of Jensen’s life.

“That’s fine. I can pay it. Just good news to hear he’s fine.”

“Yeah I bet. They can be scary like that. I got two of my own and they’ve eaten the weirdest stuff. Man one time I came home and Harley had taken all the trim off my brand new couch. First piece of furniture I ever bought and he ruined it in four hours! Damnedest thing. Hey-so-you’re from Texas right?”


-----


Now, all this time later it is hard to see that bright and lively man in the slumped form currently resting against the passenger window in Jensen’s Impala, silent and pulled in on himself.  Jensen leaves the radio off, because nothing gets under Jared’s skin like silence.

The plan is to leave Jared stewing in his own juices, to let him feel the weight of it and suffer, and that’s why Jensen’s own voice surprises him. “You look like shit.”

Jared’s head thumps softly against the window once, defeat in the lines of his shoulders. “Thanks.”

“Maybe you should drink less. You’ve always been a lousy drunk.” What the fuck is he doing?

“Thanks.” Jared’s voice has no inflection at all. There isn’t even a shade of the guy Jensen met that day in the vet’s office. No sign of the man he loved at all.

“I’m surprised your boyfriend didn’t-“

“Could you shut up? I can’t-just shut up.” There’s silence again, Jared’s face still turned into the window, and Jensen suddenly wants nothing more than to get a rise out of him. To see some sign of life.

“It’s just, you were so eager to trade up I figured you’d be happy. You don’t look happy you look-“

He stops. Stops because Jared is shaking, and that’s not right. That’s not what he was expecting. He wanted yelling. Thought there would be anger and recrimination. Instead Jared is hunched down so low he looks like a child in the passenger seat.

“Please stop Jensen.  I can’t-not tonight.” They’ve reached their destination, and Jared pushes the door open and stumbles to the sidewalk before tripping over his own long legs and practically slamming into the front door of the apartment building. And Jensen? Yeah, he’s not ok with that.

He’s seen Jared this drunk only once in all the time they’ve known each other, and he can still remember how harrowing that night was. How hard it was to keep his mouth shut and his secret in. So he opens his door and moves around the car before catching Jared as his former lover slumps against the building.

Jared’s skin is clammy, hot against his hands as he pushes in the security code he knows by heart and helps lift Jared up the four flights of stairs and to his own door. He still has a key, and he uses it to let them both in. He expects to be slammed by two large walls of fur, but he doesn’t hear Harley or Sadie anywhere in the little apartment. The place is familiar, and he knows his way back to Jared’s bedroom.

His ex slumps into the bed, head still down, and it occurs to Jensen that he hasn’t seen Jared’s face since earlier in the night. That Jared doesn’t sound drunk. He reaches for the chin on instinct, fingers gripping bone and tilting upwards until he can see the beloved up-turned hazel eyes. They’re wet, but clear. Sober.

“Jared-what the fuck man? What’s going on?”

There’s a long and tense silence, and then Jared pulls his chin out of Jensen’s hand and pushes him weakly away. “Go home Jensen. I’m just tired. Go home.”

“No. This is not you tired. You tired is whining and sleepy declarations about candy. You tired is a whole different fucking ballgame. What the hell is going on?”

For a second he honestly thinks Jared won’t answer. That they’ll stay in this stalemate forever. Then the eyes come back up, defiant and sparkling.

“This is me tired after getting fucked through a mattress, man. Guess you just never saw me properly sated.”

And with that? Jensen is out of the apartment so fast he may as well have been shot at. He slams the front door, storms his way down the stairs, and then takes off with a squeal of tires as the rage burns hot and bright through his whole system.


------



He goes to a part of Boston none of his current associates would be caught dead in. The strip club is nice, upscale, and he buys time in the V.I.P room with a lady that isn’t on the stage. One that he knows for a fact is only available for him.

Her red hair bobs as she closes the door and moves in, hips swaying and heavily outlined eyes narrowed. “Took you long enough.”

“Fuck off. It’s been a long night.” She takes position over his crotch, grinding for the benefit of the cameras as she speaks lowly.

“Sorry Jen. I know. So what have you got for me?”

He keeps his hands clear of her skin and leans back to let his eyes roam over what is being shown. “The deal is going down next week Danni. It’s a lock. Pier 16 in Warehouse 23. Who am I going to be working with on the Russian side?”

Her smile is wicked as she pops the fastening on her bra and twists just slightly. “Misha. You remember Misha right?”

Jensen curses once and then reminds himself to keep his face dopey and interested. “How could I forget? The lunatic shot at me. I rarely forget people who shoot at me.”

“Chris says it was a warning shot, and that you’ve had worse. It’ll be fine. Do you want your next briefing to be here, or the bar?”

That’s a tempting consideration. It’s easier to meet with Danni when he feels like this, on edge and ready to pop, but he misses talking to Chris. They were best friends coming up, and Jensen honestly hates the incredibly limited interaction they’ve had over the past few years.

“Bar. Set it up and send me the message.”

She smiles again, less wicked, and he doesn’t miss how she tilts her face so that the camera can’t see it. “Jen, you gonna be ok? I know this is hard for you. How was Jared?”

“Acting the slut. At least he finally quit being fake I guess. My time is up Danni. Get off.”

She doesn’t look hurt, and that only makes him angrier. More pensive.



-----



Home doesn’t help much. Icarus yips and whines until he fills the bowl to the dog’s required level, and then he watches the little guy wolf the food down as he turns things over in his head. The odd way Jared acted even though he looked and sounded sober, the way his hips moved against Liam, and the laughter that used to be Jensen’s.

Since the day Jared came out and told him the truth, left him, nothing has made much sense to Jensen, and he knows that if he tries to think through the rage and heartbreak he can probably figure out why. Although the most logical answer is simply that Jared, like most people, saw his chance and took it. Liam is a better option. More money, more power, just more everything. Except Jared had never seemed to care about any of that.

His ruminations are killed by the sound of his cellphone ringing, and he picks it up to hear Mike’s voice on the other end of the line. “Jensen. What are you up to tomorrow?”

One longing look is cast to his bed and then he rubs at his hair. “Nothing man. Why, what’s up?”

“Boss is calling all hands on deck. He wants to go over this deal from every angle to make sure nobody makes a mistake. Also, I think he wants to talk to you before you go meet with that Russian prick.”

Mitch Pileggi is hands on with his organization. Every aspect controlled and carefully monitored, and this is nothing new. Still, Jensen would love a day off. “Yeah man. I’m there. Where’s the meet going down at?”

“Antonio’s. 12:30. So come hungry dude, ‘cause all the pasta you can eat.”

“Will do.” He hangs up, pets Icarus for a little while as he sips his beer, and then collapses into bed. He’ll shower tomorrow. For right now he just needs a little sleep.



----



The dream takes him by surprise. In it Jared is sitting in the living room, waiting for him to come home. The coffee table, usually taken up with empty beer bottles and video game controllers, has been mostly emptied. The contents are scattered across the floor, and all that’s left is Jensen’s back-up gun, a ski mask, and a newspaper. Jensen stares at all of it, and he knows for a fact what the headline says. What Jared is staring at. After all, he rode along for the job didn’t he? He held the gun and he threatened the security guard. He just didn’t pull the trigger.

“D’you-“ Jared’s voice breaks once, and then he swallows and looks up. His eyes are glazed, mouth twisted downwards and hands shaking. He’s obviously blitzed, voice slurred and unsure. “D’you do this? Shoot that guy Jen?”

And Jensen just wants to go back in time and hide it all from Jared. To move heaven and earth so that Jared isn’t looking at this. Jared who cries every time they put an animal down, Jared who spends what little free time he has volunteering at a shelter. Jared who is the one bright light Jensen has seen since he started this whole fucking thing.

“I didn’t kill anyone.”

“But you’re-“ he gestures again and swallows thickly, “-you’re in this? Y’all did this?”

Jared has met the crew, has drank with them, and Jensen was very careful that they never talked about work. That they never, ever, discussed anything important. That everyone knew Jared was not part of the life, and was never meant to be.

“Jay. Jay I can explain.” Except he can’t. He really can’t. Oh sure, he can tell Jared the lies. Can tell him that he’s one of a number of enforcers for the infamous Mitch Pileggi, that he hurts people for a living, but he can’t say the rest of it. Can’t say the part that will take that bereft and broken expression off Jared’s face.

His lover staggers up, stumbles past him, and Jensen manages to grab his arm. Jared strikes at him, and Jensen easily dodges and grabs that arm too. Holds on even as Jared struggles in his grip. “No. No you bastard! You bastard!” Jared is crying, the sound heart-breaking and open. “I love you and you’re-fuck you! Fuck!”

Jensen holds on as Jared struggles. Holds on despite not deserving to until Jared goes limp in his arms and pants heavily. He’s shaking so hard Jensen is honestly worried for his health. “Jay. I didn’t shoot anybody. I promise you sweetheart I didn’t shoot anybody.”

“But you do. You shoot people Jensen. You’re a-a-I can’t. Oh god I can’t.” Jared’s face is pressed against his neck, slick with tears and snot as he cries out his fear. “Why? Why did you do this?”

To protect people like you. “It’s a life. A living Jared. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He can’t help himself, kisses one sweaty temple and feels the taller man shudder and shake in his arms. “I’m sorry sweetheart. I’m sorry.”

He wakes with a gasp, hand reaching automatically out to the empty half of the bed beside him and finding smooth and cool sheets instead of the tall and lanky body he’s expecting. The light is shining unforgivingly through the windows, and Jensen knows one thing for sure. Whatever happened, whatever went down between them, Jared never planned on trading up.

And Jensen? Doesn’t particularly care for unsolved mysteries.



-----



The meeting goes off without a hitch. Jensen gets all the information he needs, and the meeting time for Misha. Which leaves him with two days off and no real plan other than to start on his new problem.

He briefly flirts with the idea of pretending Icarus is sick and going to the clinic, but that seems like a bad plan. Which leaves him with only two other options. The first, Chad, is untenable, so Jensen chooses the second.

Sandy’s loft is across town, in a better area of Boston than his run-down little apartment, and he parks down the street and then takes the sidewalk slowly. He’s not sure what’s going to be waiting for him on the other side of the door, but when Sandy opens it and starts scowling he knows for a fact that this isn’t going to go as smoothly as he hoped.

“What do you want Ackles?”

He looks around the hallway for a second and then gestures behind her into the wide open space. She seems to consider the request, eyes darkening again briefly with anger, and then she steps back. Jensen has to bite back the automatic response of reminding her that it was her best friend that broke his heart and not the other way around.

“I want you to tell me the truth Sandy. I want to know what happened with Jared.”

Her eyes go cagy, slide away from him even as she starts fiddling with her hair. He can pick out a thousand little details, trained eye going from the fresh paint spattered across her hand to the way she can’t make eye contact anymore. All that inappropriate anger is magically gone.

“I don’t-look he told you. He got tired. Moved on. I suggest you do the same. Now I have-“

He steps into her space, sees the way she flinches back, but he’s got to do this. Jared’s probably told her what he does for a living. He can’t see Jared keeping that secret from his two best friends.

“Bullshit Sandy. Jared’s not like that. What’s going on?”

Suddenly she’s angry again, little finger jabbing into his sternum even as she steps forward and pushes. It surprises him so much he actually steps back.

“What do you care? You didn’t care to see when it was happening. Called him a slut and threw him away, and then just laughed about him with your fucking friends. So why, suddenly, does the great Jensen Ackles care even a little bit what happens to lowly Jared Padalecki?”

That’s Jensen’s snapping point. “He fucked another dude Sandy. I don’t think it’s outta line for me to be upset. In fact I think I’ve got the right to be a little damn angry about that!”

Something crosses over her face, swift and brutally afraid, and then she gets control. Her eyes narrow even more, and she throws both hands up. “You’re right. He’s a big old slut. Congratulations, you figured him out. Now get out of my house. Wouldn’t want me calling the cops would you?”

He leaves. Not necessarily because he’s afraid of her calling the police, but because he’s not getting anywhere here other than ramping up his own anger. Chad will be worse, and that leaves Jared. So Jensen rides over to the Murray Animal Clinic, and realizes when he pulls up his cover story is sitting at home no doubt chewing on one of his shoes.

To prove the universe is out to get him Chad Michael Murray himself is sitting behind the counter, feet propped up on the surface as he flips through a magazine. The look he gives Jensen could kill a man if the little fucker wasn’t so impotent.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Chad flips the magazine shut and stands, hands clenching into fists. This is the second time today one of Jared’s friends has greeted him in this way, and Jensen is more than a little sick of it.

“Getting heartworm meds.” It slips off his tongue before he considers the words. “Where’s Jared?”

Chad rolls his eyes and throws a package of Advantage onto the counter before ringing up his purchase. “You know damn well where he is.”

“Yes. I do. That’s why I came here to see you, because I love hearing you berate me and tell me shit I already know. Where is he Murray?”

For a second there’s that same shadow he saw in Sandy’s face, and then Chad clamps down hard on it and slams Jensen’s change onto the counter. Dimes go flying past him, and an old lady sitting in one of the chairs and petting a lapdog jumps and gives a little shriek.

“He’s at home. Doctors gave him a week of bed rest. Now get the fuck outta my dad’s clinic.”


----


For their first date Jensen let Jared choose the restaurant. They ended up at a combination Chinese and Hibachi buffet, and Jensen stood in the gaudy foyer staring at the abundance of neon lights, fountains, and chandeliers.

“I have some money you know. I coulda taken you some place nice.” Jared’s eyes were darting over the water in the largest of the fountains, following the movement of Koi fish as if they’d stand up and start delivering a speech any second. He didn’t bother looking away to respond.

“This is someplace nice. Dude, wait ‘til you try their Pepper Steak. It’s like sex on a plate.” Jared’s eyes finally left the fountain and landed on him. “Plus, if you’re insisting on footing the bill you’re gonna be glad I picked this place. Trust me.”

Six plates later Jensen finally understood. Jared ate like it was the first and last time food would ever be put in front of him. He made happy little noises as he hoovered up the contents of each plate and bowl, and at one point he grabbed a dumpling off of Jensen’s plate and then gave a wicked grin as he breathed it in.

“It’s incredible you’re not fat.” Jared’s cat-like eyes angled up to look at him over a mouthful of Lo Mein.

“I work out a lot.” He swallowed his mouthful of noodles and then wiped his lips. “Plus, I got one of those metabolisms. If you think this is bad you should’ve seen me when I was a teenager and still having growth spurts. Momma thought I was gonna bankrupt them with how I ate. So this isn’t so bad, and it’s a buffet which means-“ Jared cut himself off and flushed, looking away for a second and then back. “I talk a lot too.”

It was oddly self-conscious, and there was something heavy there. Jensen got the impression that Jared had been mocked for all of this behavior before, and that he was expecting more of the mockery now. That just wouldn’t do.

“Well I don’t know how my paycheck is gonna like feeding you, but I’m just fine listening to you jabber.”

Jared’s eyes lit up, dimples appearing as the smile overtook his face. He shoveled another forkful of Lo Mein in before leaning forward and kissing Jensen’s cheek. It was odd. Innocent and chaste, sloppy with sauce, and totally out of character for anyone Jensen had spent any time with in the last few years. He liked it instantly.

“You’re a nice guy Jensen Ackles.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” He forked up a dumpling and bit into it. “Reserve your judgment for later.”

Jared’s head shook, eyes bright and dancing as he slurped up the last of his noodles. “Nope. Calling the game right here and now. Jensen Ackles equals nice guy. So what are we doing after dinner?”

And Jensen? Well he could think of about twenty or thirty different things he wanted say to that, but he settled for one that wasn’t too assuming. “How about we go back to my place and see how good a loser you are. I got an Xbox.”

His date’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Call of Duty? Guitar Hero?”

When Jensen nodded in response those dimples showed up again, and he had to swallow dumpling to avoid licking them.

“Sounds good to me. But I gotta warn you, I’m a pro.”

He thought of the gun tucked into the holster on his ankle. Of the many things he’d done, and the things he was going to continue to do until his duty was discharged. “Yeah. So am I.”


-----


Which is how Jensen finds himself using his key and going into Jared’s apartment for the second time in two days. There’s still no Harley and Sadie, and that low alarm that’s been going off in his head since last night gets louder and more insistent.

He takes the small number of steps necessary to be in the living room and sees the shaggy top of Jared’s hair hanging awkwardly over the couch. There are very few pieces of furniture made for guys Jared’s size, and he used to bitch constantly about how the world was prejudiced against awesome people. Awesome people his code word for freakishly tall Jensen would respond.

It takes everything inside of him to walk around the couch, to bend down, and then to really look at Jared. In the harsh light of day he can see the bruised circles underneath his former lover’s eyes. He can take in the dark hickeys and their placement, and his eyes move down to see how Jared’s clothes hang on him like he’s lost weight, and how utterly fragile he looks lying there and grinding his teeth. Then Jensen sees the cast around Jared’s right wrist.

Everything, everything he’s known and everything he’s learned about this world and its consequences goes out the window. All he can see is the cast, and all he can think is that it must have been broken that night. That it must have been broken when Jensen drove off and left Jared alone, even though he knew something was wrong. Let himself be played.

He sees red, and it’s without a thought that he grabs Jared’s leg and shakes him. The younger man comes awake with flying elbows, eyes wide and terrified until they catch sight of Jensen. Then he’s pale for a new reason.

“Who the fuck broke your wrist?” He’s growling, enraged, and Jared’s hands shake for all of two seconds before he gets control of himself and pulls away from Jensen.

“Get out.” His voice is sleep husky but level, and he half hides the broken limb like he can take back Jensen seeing it.

“Who Jared? Give me a goddamn name.”  There’s a moment where he thinks Jared will. A softening in those hazel eyes, slanted just so and enhanced by the little mole Jensen used to love to press his lips against. Except then the eyes shut down, go blank, and Jared turns his head away and locks down tight.

“You need to leave Jensen. Liam wouldn’t like you being here.” Jensen can only watch, hands clenched into tight fists, as Jared pushes his way up off the couch and stumbles towards the back of the apartment.


-----


It was their fifth date when things went beyond awkward frottage and handjobs. Jensen came over fully expecting Jared to be bouncing and yammering about the movie they were supposed to see. The guy has an unnatural love of Bruce Willis, and Jensen has an equally unnatural love for the way Jared looks when he’s excited.

Except when he came in Jared was standing in the middle of the living room with an awkward look on his face and something clutched in one of those giant bear paws of his. Jensen took in the hesitance in his stance, the uncertainty in his eyes, and the way Jared sort of shifted before he raised an eyebrow and forced an unpleasant smile.

“Hi Jen.” It’s a nickname Jensen has had before, but he’d never liked it until now. Usually it referred to what he knows are the less masculine of his features, but with Jared it’s something affectionate.

Something utterly Jared.

“Hey Jay. Whatcha got there?” He’s always more Texas when these moments come up, and there was a darkening to Jared’s eyes that he didn’t miss.

“I-uh-I was just thinking-and that’s all up to you really because I know that-but there was this thing on TV that-and I was just hoping that you would-because this isn’t really my usual way of doing this but I-“ He shut himself up, huffed, and then held his hands out. The condom in the left, the bottle of lube in the right, and a flush on his sharp cheekbones. “Yeah.”

Jensen couldn’t help himself. He’s a bastard, and he knows it, but this was too precious for words. Instead he laughed, and Jared’s face went redder as his hands clutched the offered items and pulled them out of view. He turned on one heel, face tightening, and Jensen couldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t let him think that’s what this was about.

He crossed the room in just a few strides and pulled Jared’s arm so that the taller man was forced to turn and look at him. Texas had never been more in his accent than it was at that moment, cock half hard and laughter dying on his lips. “Sweetheart. You gotta say it or I’ll feel like I’m taking advantage of you.” It was teasing, and Jared could take it the wrong way, but he didn’t. Instead his lips curved and the dimples came out deep and pleasing.

“I was thinking you could fuck me, and we’d go to a later showing. You think you could do that?”

“I’m gonna ride you like a rodeo.” It was corny, redneck as hell, but Jared let out a little moan and that made it all worth it.

“Then mount up.”

It took too long to get back to Jared’s bedroom, and the only piece of furniture the guy owned that’s really big enough for him. Jensen had Jared pinned against the wall, one hand rubbing the straining erection Jared had under his jeans and the other tilting Jared’s head down and to the side so he could lick his way into Jared’s mouth.

The bed was right behind them, dominating the room, but Jensen wanted to enjoy this. Wanted to savor the taste and feel of Jared pressed against the wall making those little noises he loved so much to hear. He managed to get his hand back up and to the little button on Jared’s jeans before they were popping open and he was unzipping them.

Things took a turn, gentle to desperate, and Jared was fumbling with the fastenings on Jensen’s jeans even as Jensen started fighting with the buttons on Jared’s shirt. They grunted and bit their way through stripping, finally naked for the first time, and there was a sudden heavy silence as Jensen realized Jared was staring at the gun strapped to his ankle, and the scar all too visible on his stomach.

Jared’s hand shook as he dragged his fingers along it, and then he looked up and sent Jensen a question in his glance, lips pursed softly. Jensen shook his head once, undid the holster’s strap and left the gun on the pile of his clothes before he pulled Jared back in.

If he could just avoid that conversation a little longer, if he could just avoid having to tell Jared the lies, that’d be worth it. Just a little bit longer to be them, and Jared gave it to him in the same sweet and unquestioning way he’d given him everything else.

He got Jared on all fours on the bed, and then fumbled the lube open before leaning in to lick a stripe up the back of one muscular thigh. Jared let out a breathy whine, and that was good. That was better than good. In fact it made Jensen wonder what other noises Jared could make, and he dropped the lube bottle in the interest of gripping the fleshy muscles of Jared’s ass cheeks and spreading them. He licked a line from Jared’s balls up over his hole, and the sound Jared made as he slumped face forward into the bed seemed almost pained. So Jensen did it again, and again, before he slid his tongue into the tight hole and worked it deeper.

“Jen-Jen, Jesus please.” Jared was shaking, trembling underneath him, and Jensen picked up the lube bottle and finished what he started with his fingers. It took everything he had not to come when he had to touch himself to put the condom on, but deep breaths and squeezing the base of his shaft gave him enough time to get himself together before he was lining up and entering.

Jared’s head jerked back, a thick and throaty sound escaping him, and Jensen couldn’t help it. He leaned forward and sank all the way in before growling into Jared’s ear. “Like that darlin’? Want a little more? How do you want it Jay? Hard and fast? Want me to fuck you raw and deep?” He jerked his hips hard once, twice, and then bit into Jared’s shoulder and soaked up the shocked cry. “Or you want it gentle and slow? Want me to treat you precious the way I know you are?” He mimicked the words with slow and gentle thrusts, tongue laving the bite and hands soothing along Jared’s sides.

“All-shit-all of it. Fucking all of you Jen.”

His hips stuttered, and then he kept moving. He couldn’t do that for Jared. Couldn’t give all of him because there was a big chunk of him that was locked away, but he could give some. Enough, he hoped, to keep Jared until the day that he could be honest.

They went to the movie the next day.


------


He should leave. He knows he should leave, because this is all too much. There’s something going on here that he’s missed, and he’s about to blow his goddamn top. Instead he pushes his way up and follows Jared into the bedroom in time to watch the other man dry-swallow a painkiller and look up in surprise.

“Jensen you have to leave.”

There’s something sad in Jared’s voice, resignation and despair that Jensen has never heard there before. He hates it instantly, and hates that there’s something about him that caused it. Every bit of pain he felt when Jared told him about Liam is forgotten in that primal urge he has to grab Jared up and cuddle him. Protect him from the world Jensen is a part of, the one he knows so well.

“I need a name Jared. I need to know who did that to you so I can fuck them up. I don’t know why you’re-“

Jared’s head falls, hand rubbing at his face hopelessly before he looks back up and reaches out. Big, well-known hands cup his face and Jared’s bleary and tired eyes, still beautiful, catch him and hold him in place. The cast rubs against his cheek as a bleak reminder of his failure.

“I don’t belong to you anymore Jensen. I’m not your responsibility and I’m not your concern. You gotta leave before someone starts telling tales out of school. Please. You gotta do this for me.”

And Jensen feels his heart clench so tight it hurts to breathe. Jared is right, he doesn’t belong to him anymore, but that doesn’t change his responsibility to Jared.

“Let ‘em talk. Just tell me what happened.”

Jared lets go then, stumbles back and away. “I fell. I fell funny and broke it. You know how clumsy I am after a good fucking.”

Rage will do him no good. It’s what Jared wants, he realizes belatedly, and he has to hold out. “I don’t know what I did to make you like this. To make you want to say this shit, but I’m here now Jay. I’ll help you, but you gotta tell me the truth. I just want to help you.”

“And people in hell want ice water. Go away Jensen. I need to sleep.”

Nothing else will come out of staying other than Jared eventually breaking his resolve to hold his temper, so Jensen leaves. Walks out on Jared for the third time, and leaves him alone in the little bedroom and the silent apartment, clutching his broken wrist to his chest and curled up, looking smaller than he has any right to look.



-----


They’d been together a year before Jared broke the “I love you” barrier. The conversation began with:

“I would totally haunt you.”

The two of them are in bed, Jared wrapped around him in his usual manner, all long limbs and sweaty skin. Jensen was honestly exhausted. He’d done collections today, and having to lie to Jay about the bruise he got from the one rebellious shop-owner had hurt worse than the actual injury. He was so tired of lying. So the statement caught him more than a little off-guard.

“You’d-why the fuck are you thinking about that?”

Jared’s eyes are closed, head resting easily beside him and fingers starting to move slowly over Jensen’s exposed chest. “I was a boy scout. We believed in being prepared.”

“You were not a boy scout.”

“I saw them on TV. The point is if I died I’d totally haunt you. Like Swayze in Ghost. Gentle pottery sessions and soft music. It’d be really awesome and you’d be so glad I stuck around.”

“Swayze makes out with her through Whoopi Goldberg, Jay. I’m not making out with Whoopi Goldberg.”

Jared’s forehead wrinkled once before he started laughing. “You would if it was me. You’d miss me so much you’d make out with a dog if it was me.”

He felt his eyebrows threatening to break off and simply drift up to the ceiling. “A dog? Jay, you’re hot, but you ain’t that hot.”

The hand soothing his right pectoral slapped once softly and then settled into a rubbing motion again. “Don’t crush my dreams. It’s not nice. Hey Jen do you think I’m weird?”

“Yes.” The sound Jared made in response had him laughing. “Well, baby, look at it from my point of view. We’re in bed together, naked, and you’re thoroughly fucked-out, but you’re talking about me making out with dogs and ladies. That’s a little weird.”

Jared nodded balefully and then cracked one hazel eye. “But?”

And yeah, there was a but there. “But, I wouldn’t want you to be normal. I like all the weird shit that falls out of your mouth post orgasm.”

Silence rang out in the room for a little while, and then Jared closed the cracked eye and pressed his face against Jensen’s chest. “Yeah. I’d haunt the shit out of you. That’s how much I love you.”

Jensen froze in place, heart rate tripling, and then he pressed a kiss to Jared’s soft hair. “Yeah, well, I’d probably make out with Whoopi a little. That’s how much I love you.”

They settled in, and right before he fell asleep Jensen added, “But no goddamn dogs.”


------


It’s time to meet Misha, and Jensen has to find a way to shut down the constant need to check on Jared. To not look into the matter further. He has a job to do, and that job has to come first. Whatever trouble Jared’s gotten himself into has to come second.

The apartment building isn’t nice, but it isn’t the worst thing he’s seen since he started doing this. He takes the stairs two at a time, feels the back of his pants for his piece, and then knocks once hard.

It doesn’t take long for the door to open, and Misha stares at him for a long time with those unnaturally blue eyes Jensen remembers before he steps aside and lets Jensen in. They cross a wide open space, and then Jensen stands while Misha sinks onto the couch and grins up at him.

“Did you bring your papers?”

“My-what the fuck are you talking about?”

The grin becomes Cheshire and slightly insane. “Papers. I’m a Russian and we’re big into papers.”

“Cut the shit Collins. You know why I’m here.”

The agent’s mouth loses some of its manic quality and becomes simply a friendly smile. “Yes. That’s right I know both the reasons you’re here. “

“So what’s the deal?” Jensen watches Misha’s eyes narrow thoughtfully and then he sighs. The guy has always been exasperating, but Jensen isn’t up for it right now. “What?”

“This is your last one isn’t it Ackles? Then you’re out for good?”

He thinks of a grassy plain, a man’s broad and proud face, and a car full of bullet holes. “Yeah. This is my last one and then I’m out. What about you?”

“Nope. I have another few dances left under my belt I’m afraid. How much do you need ahead of time?”

“Meet time and place, number of guys, merchandise, and where we can best plant the bugs. Are you in charge of the sweep?”

“I am not, but the guy doing it is worthless. I can direct him without him catching on. The rest of it I can’t give you until tomorrow. They’re being a little paranoid. To quote, ‘those wop bastards can’t be trusted.’ End quote.”

Jensen nods once and then looks out the big window at the sun shining brightly over the Boston cityscape. “What are the chances of a last minute change?”

“Zilch. Didn’t work out too well for the bosses last time. Plus I hear the cargo is too big for such a move. Transport guys are freaking out.”

“Well make sure you get me all the details as soon as possible. Also, Misha?”

Blue eyes sweep up to weigh him carefully before the man grins again. Less manic and more real. “Yes Jensen?”

“Don’t shoot at me this time. I’m serious dude, I don’t forgive twice.”

Part Two
Masterpost
             

Comments

[askellington.livejournal.com]

Yeeessssss!!

*goes to read*

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I adore you.

The Broken Heart is Blind

[manictater.livejournal.com]

I have an idea, but I'm still dying to find out what is going on with Jared. I'm so SAD for them.

Thank god Jensen is under cover cause I have a hard time empathizing with mobsters.

Loved the little bit with Misha.

Re: The Broken Heart is Blind

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

XD I am so glad you liked it and thank you! Misha was so much fun here, and man Jensen and his undercoverness. I was glad he wanted to be a good guy too!