Confidence is King

[dime_liora]

 There are three ways to distinguish yourself so that you can get into a really good doctoral program:

1. Teach and make an impression. (I'm not doing this because my masters program isn't funded enough to offer these jobs out.)

2. Academic perfection. (Today I got back the major paper for the Victorian lit class that I actually felt really good about despite my specialty and focus having nothing to do with women's rights or Victorian lit, the two subjects of the paper, and found out I have a B. Which means today is the day I tanked my 4.0. Ha. Ha. Fuck.)

3. Present at conferences.

My only option is now three, which means I need to find conferences, apply, and write papers for them. Because I have so much free time to spend on that sort of thing. Also, I have to get up the money to stay in the cities the conferences are in, assuming the school will stop being a tight ass long enough to pay for plane tickets otherwise I need to save for both of those things. If I don't get the job they're interviewing me for on Thursday that's probably not gonna happen either.

So I have six pages to write about the usage of the Wise Fool trope in Chretien de Troyes' works tonight and I have no confidence at all. I literally came home and put my head down on the table for five minutes. I'm a big believer in perceptive reality. We create who we are in our heads, and that becomes the thing we are. There's no getting around it. I'm not pretty, I'm not terribly funny, and I'm not talented. I am smart. Or at least sometimes I think I'm smart, and I have the academic record to prove it, but right now I feel dumb as a sack of bricks and this word document is mocking me as I try desperately to recollect the tattered edges of my confidence and remember that until today I had a 4.0. Until today.

Feeling lower or more stressed out right now seems kind of impossible.I shouldn't have said that. I'm going to brace for impact.

If I had a time machine I'd go back in time and tell myself to get a real job and skip this nonsense.

Comments

[sammichgirl]

*ahem*

Point of order.

I've met you, live and in person, and I can factually say what I knew before anyway, that you are indeed pretty and funny and talented. And yes, smart.

You know exactly what you're doing and how to do it. Lady, a Dean girl you may be but you're like Sam in the being an encyclopedia - you're both book smart and street smart.

I think you'd be good at presenting at conferences because you can actually speak to people. You know your stuff and while you may have notecards, you wouldn't need them. And being able to talk to people like that and truly engage in the topics is a rare gift. I have to read straight from a page and not make eye contact.

As I make my all day drive Thursday, I will be sending you lots of pink light and all good vibes for your interview.

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I love you.

I'm just... I'm working with not being a big old pity party. I'm begging the professor to let me revise it in the hopes I can make it better, and trying not to be a big whiny baby.

I'll be very grateful for your pink light and good vibes, and I'll spend Sunday vibrating in a chair staring at notes and thinking of you touching Jared Padalecki.

How many more times am I going to tell you that you'll be touching him? Will you ever get tired of it? ;)

[stormcloude]

Don't count yourself out yet. If you really believe in perceptive reality, then that would be the worst thing you could do.

So maybe you get into your second or third choice of doctoral programs instead of your first... maybe that school ends up being a better fit for you. The future likes to throw people curve balls, but that's not always a bad thing.

(Ha, I feel weird giving advice when it might just be a temporary low for you in the dark of night, but I still remember the 2:00 a.m. phone calls from my little sister when she was in business school and needed a pep talk.)

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

It was...well a mixture of dark of the night and carrying onwards. Today, in the light I am still down about it, but I'm actually trying to fix it instead of just playing the sad Charlie Brown music in my head.

I appreciate your comment a lot though, and I agree that getting down won't help anything, and that life has a funny way of working out. :) So thank you!

[masja-17.livejournal.com]

I don't know you but you write awesome fics! Read quite a few and I always enjoy them!

Fight on lovely lady!

<3

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I appreciate that a lot. :)