What Did You Do Ray? or "Dear Mr. Ackles"

[dime_liora]

There's an old saying in the halls of English academia; "Write drunk, revise sober."

It's because we're drunks. I don't know if you laughed, but we consider it funny. Well, funny enough to do it. Which makes it...not so much a joke.

The plan last night, and isn't that always fun saying the plan, was to get drunk and pick one of the many shorter stories sitting on my hard drive so that I could finish it in one long blaze of glory. Then tonight I was going to drink again and do another one. Yay for plans! Except that's not what happened.

What happened was I posted the last of "Lost Time" on here, commented on some stuff I'd read, and then went to these three half-formed letters I had kind of mocking me and finished them. Then I printed them out, worked up envelopes and self-addressed return envelopes, and stumbled my crazy ass out to the mailbox. Because habits are a hard thing to break, and when you teach yourself that being drunk lends to imagination or academia, both of which following that adage do, it becomes a belief system that drunk you cannot forget.

I don't drunk text anymore, phone stays locked and away, I don't take it outside and bother my neighbors, so what do I do?

Well I write long, rambling letters to famous people asking for quotes for my Masters Thesis. That's right. Thesis research. I drunkenly wrote letters asking for Thesis research. Why? Because at that level of intoxication I apparently thought it was a good plan.

Granted, sober I had considered it. One of my favorite undergrad professors had this great story about writing J.D. Salinger and asking him a few questions for a paper before it turned into a love letter. Salinger wrote her back, this really sweet letter, and she used it for her paper and then framed it. So when my thesis adviser asked me which superheroes I was going to use to prove the shift in perception and usage of Campbell's Hero Theory I listed Dean Winchester. By some cosmic form of fate he is a fan, a thing I found out after I defended my position of listing Dean with the Punisher and Batman. He warned me that the difficulty I'd already had finding a professor that would respect my Thesis was going to be compounded by a lack of proper research material. 

The classicists have it easy. Their subjects are dead, and no one can get drunk and write Joyce a letter that could embarrass the shit out of them later. Well, not and have Joyce read it. Not without a Ouija board. I've lost my train of thought. I'm kind of hungover.

So I wrote a letter with seven questions and sent it to Ben Edlund (the creator of The Tick for Christ's sake), Eric Kripke, and just for kicks Jensen Ackles. I apparently sent him two if the searching for addresses tabs on my browser are any indication. On top of sounding both desperate and painfully formal, I added a postscript to Edlund waxing poetic about my childhood with his sardonic superhero, and then on Jensen Ackles's...

Oh. I need to be drunk again. So I changed his questions up, and then I wrote him a paragraph about how good Devour was as a horror movie for modernizing an old trope and not being "goreporn". Because while my thesis is on superheroes, my actual academic focus is on the horror genre.

I told him I doubted it would ever reach him and if it did he would certainly be too busy to respond, but I was desperate (true) and an eternal optimist (not true) and  hoped if he had the time he would answer one or two of them. The only person I didn't creepily fangirl on was Kripke.

My point is this: the goddamn mailman came early.

They don't read fanmail right? Ever? Someone assure me they don't read fanmail. That those addresses are actually really pretentious trashcans. Trashcans with postal directions. Because now I am helplessly embarrassed at the idea of someone, I'm a little imaginative so forgive me this moment, laughing their ass off through my painful letter, and then highlighting the really embarrassing parts and sending them on to a guy I kind of idolize. I'd never know it happened, and I'd never see anything from it, but somewhere my full and real goddamn name would be attached to the world's geekiest love letter.

Comments

[fourtenpm.livejournal.com]

I like your major, and professor, and your choice of superhero.

Though, I am kind of disappointed that Sam wasn't listed along with Dean as the superhero of thesis research importance.

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I can actually explain that. It has nothing to do with Sam not being a superhero and everything to do with the thrust of my thesis being that the new usage of the Hero theory focuses on heroes that are fully human with no superpowers.

So I can't use Sam to prove it, because he spent a few seasons with superpowers. Powers he can, theoretically, access at any time if he uses the right juice. I certainly admire Sam, and I'd list him with the superheroes in my paper if I could because he's done the Hero's Journey without question, but he'd actually kill my point.

I might use him as a foil though... I dunno.

[fourtenpm.livejournal.com]

wah, glad to know there is so much thoughts put into this. must be fun to study.

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I'm not gonna lie, it is and it isn't. The problem is while I could argue it easily in conversation there's a complete lack of academic sources backing my position. I'm at a good school because I wanted the reputation it had on my resume when I eventually go job hunting, but that means I'm in a department that thinks that pop culture is something to be sneered at. I actually had my original adviser suggest I find another program because I'd never find anyone who wanted to study such things with me. She was wrong about that, but now I need to write a really long and detailed paper, and I'm completely lacking in well-informed sources.

So, I have a bad reputation in the department for being "that pop culture girl", and a Sisyphean thesis. Which dulls some of the joy of tackling such a great subject. But certainly not all of it.

[fourtenpm.livejournal.com]

I don't pretend to know anything about literature academia, but that kind of snob is, sadly, human nature. I just heard a story about a guy who studied and found a cure to leukemia, he switched his field to prostate cancer because he did not get respect from his fellow cancer researcher, 'cause in a lot of people's opinion, leukemia is not "real" cancer.

Anyway, sometimes I wonder whether those who looks down on "pop culture" ever thought that all the classics nowadays were pop culture at their own time?

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

A psych major could have a field day with the level of cognitive dissonance in my department. Frankly it's kind of amazing, but no I don't think they do. Which is odd because we get lectures on how trivialized the novel was originally or how hard it's been to include women and minorities in the canon, and then out of the same mouths you get lectures about the silliness of new literature and media.

My favorite? The distinction between "author" and "writer". If one more person tells me Stephen King is *just a writer* I will probably lose my shit. :D

[fourtenpm.livejournal.com]

Is there a huge difference? I always thought of "author" implies some sort of ownership to a certain works; "writer" is more about the person. Anyway, English is not my native language, so a lot of nuances must be lost on me.

What fun there is if people aren't contradictory?

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

It's sort of an academic insult. In a denotative sense the two words are basically exactly the same. The connotation here is that an "author" is someone to be respected and studied. A "writer" strings words together to make trash for money. So writer becomes an insult, and author is a compliment.

Also, there is no fun without contradiction.

[locknkey.livejournal.com]

I'm not entirely sober - so I kind of love this entire post. :)

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

Lol, well I'll be joining you tonight since the damage is already done and I still haven't finished any of those stories...

[locknkey.livejournal.com]

LOL - I know the feeling. I've stated three stories and my entire body is insisting on sleep. :)

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

You walk right up to it and firmly tell it no. That's one of two ways to deal with bullies, and the other way is a bad plan because it is *your* body.

[l-niania.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm sorry but this is absolutely adorable! ♥ I have no idea if they actually read fanmail and answer it but imagine they do... One day you will come home and find a letter answering your questions and therefore giving you an impressive source for your thesis. And underneath there's a signature of Jensen Ackles! This will give you squeeing material for your whole life and the embarrassment will totally be worth it.

I know how it feels. I've only ever been at one convention where I met James Marsters (Buffy) and Gareth David-Lloyd (Torchwood). In that moment I wasn't able formulate a single English sentence. Probably I was just standing there with huge eyes and grinning like crazy... /o\ And afterwards I wasn't able to show the pictures to anyone because as soon as I saw them I started grinning and squealing again and I'm a very calm and rational person normally. Totally embarrassing and so worth it! I guess it's why we love our fandom friends so much. We know they all did it and loved it just as much as we do. No raised eyebrows and "I thought you're an adult" comments but united squeeing. \o/

Also I'm 100% sure somebody wrote an even geekier letter than you! Maybe your former professor to Salinger... ^_^

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

Here's the funny thing, I'm a big James Marsters fan, and I squeed a little when I read your comment. So yeah, fandom friends unite!! :D

Honestly, I'm the kind of person who's very strict with myself if I can help it. I avoid any and all potential embarrassment, and that often leaves me pegged as "cold" or "unapproachable". Thusly while it would be incredible to have any response to support my thesis, because pinning my academic future on a paper is still a daunting proposition, a bigger part of me just really hopes to avoid having to blush more.

But yeah, maybe I'm not the geekiest. Just the...stiffest. There's no telling. Plus, I wasn't nearly as effusive as my former professor was, so there's that. I think I included the line "thank you for your consideration" like six times. Because vodka is not conducive to avoiding sounding like a hopeful job applicant...

[l-niania.livejournal.com]

Okay I havo no idea about the influence of vodka on writing embarrassing letters since I don't drink alcohol. Never have... well apart from the mandatory glass of sparkling wine on New Year's Eve when I can't manage to say no for the fifth time. So I'm a control freak in real life. Getting drunk... no too scary. Showing emotions... difficult. Being pegged as cold and unapproachable... I know what it feels like. The interesting thing is I read stuff like this quite often within fandom. Here's a topic for some sociology or psychology study! I guess fandom is a save heaven for people like us. Very accepting and positiv and supporting and barely anything you have to be embarrassed about.

Spike!!! I think he was my second TV character crush. The first was Dean in Gilmore Girls. Back then I always liked the sweet guys whereas my little sister already knew that the bad guys are much more interesting. She was all for Rory/Jess and by now I think she's right. ^_^ Which means I'm still a Dean girl, sorry Jared!

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I am...definitely a Dean girl.

Oh god, the last episode of Buffy ever? I was sitting in the middle of the room with my friends watching it and I just started shaking my head, and then I went into supreme denial mode and said "He's gonna turn human and they're gonna get married and have babies." Crying the whole time. I've never had anyone look at me with as much pity as my friends did then. It was heartbreaking!!!

And yeah, I think that's something the fandom really offers. A place where people with similar experiences and interests can feel safe to express themselves. It's a nice place to be. :)

[sammichgirl]

Well shit. I think you'll get a fun and usable response from at least one of those letters.

If not, when I see Jensen in May I will whack him upside the head before I lick Jared's neck and lose my fingers in his hair. (oh yeah, big plans, got bail ready for me?)

And I am drinking tonight, Valentine Dance. Single, at the Valentine Dance. And hey, my ex sent me an email this morning, so no, not upset at all or anything. Did I mention the drinking that will commence tonight?

BtVS was my original show fandom...Xander was my pre-Sam.

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I will bail you out in a second. Just make sure to get my phone number before you go so I'll be ready for the collect call. ;)

Also, if you hit Jensen Ackles for me I will be required to do something amazing, because that's quite a bit of self-sacrifice. Hitting him would be like...alright. Not waxing fangirl. Not.

Want me to slap your ex? I'm adept at slapping boys. :) Also, designated driver bb, you need to be careful with yourself!

Oh Xander. I miss Xander so much. He was awesome to watch every week.

[sammichgirl]

Don't think I won't ask you! ;)

I think I kinda have to do it now, gauntlet has been thrown. And I like amazing things done stemming from my actions. I won't hit him hard - like how Missouri would do it. Then I could be in character, LARPing. Or well, if he were handcuffed to a horizontally flat object face down... Chances of that at the photo op are not high though.

'Cause dude, I'd have Jared hogtied if that were the case. (crazy fangirl, check)

I have a DD. There's a group of 30 of us, and many are not drinkers. So I am set - in fact, one of them already knows the situation, and we are doing pre-dinner drinks in about an hour.

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

Hogtied...ah man. I'm never gonna get back to any of my aborted projects. Now I just have to picture that.

Yeah, if you're feeling crazy and there's no response I'll totally throw the gauntlet down. Although you could use a guilt trip instead and describe your poor graduate student friend who has gambled her entire academic career on his response.

Oh god that sounds awful. Let's pretend I didn't say that. Partially because it's really unfair to expect anything, but mostly because I just realized I'm almost doing that. Panic attack.

Also, really glad about the DD, and hoping you're ok. Exes can be the worst. They know all your weak spots.

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

Wait like-do you get to talk to them? Because holy shit. Holy shit. Really? They do that at conventions?

[sammichgirl]

I have a photo op with Jared, and a sandwich one with Jared and Jensen, sharing with deansdirtybb.

So a few seconds of stuttering drooling shyness. Or outright passing out.

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I'd go with both. I'd do both. Without question. Will this picture be posted on Livejournal? Because I would like to see that!

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

I have enjoyed EVERY word in this post, comments included, I mean for real tears are streaming down my face from laughing and horror and quite frankly relief that it wasn't me who did this because I can do some crazy stuff and something like this would NOT be out of the realm of possibility, except maybe I can hold my liquor a little bit better than you:P just sayin', and what that really means is I don't have drunk as an excuse, but I do have the passion of getting caught up in the moment and then just plain old stupidity and delusion, I have delusion.

I do love your Dean Winchester as a superhero stance. It's what I tell little kids like my nieces and nephews when they ask who my tattoo is. "Oh, he's my favorite superhero like ironman". That's usually enough to satisfy them. It's much better than object of my obsession, cause of all my wet dreams, ruiner of all other men...

AND I think you may hear from someone....my bet's on Kripke. You know, fangirl dreams do come true, mine did :)

[dimeliora.livejournal.com]

I would be willing to bet you can hold your liquor better than me. I'm one of those people who gets drunk really fast, and then sober just as quickly. I have to walk a fine line to stay drunk, but not go comatose.

But seriously, yeah, he's a superhero. I'd argue that like nobody's business. I grew up on Marvel and DC, collected trading cards because geeks are nurtured not born, and I'm a fairly reliable source for that at least. Sometimes...

This is laughable now that a lot of the horror has worn off in my assuring myself that he'll never see it. I can live with an intern laughing at me. Or my personal favorite fantasy is it just getting trashed. Like a really big shredder. Tower sized.

But yeah, it would be awesome. Thing is, I really don't expect it and I meant it when I put that in the letters. I understand that these are busy people with lives and careers, and if I had that much stuff on my plate I wouldn't have time to write a paragraph about origin stories or hamartias. Still, in some ruined little piece of my jaded heart I do have a fangirl dream of receiving a form letter that says, "Thank you for your interest and letter We appreciate it. Sincerely, Random Intern."

I need better dreams.